People love their dogs, dogs love their people. And people love jokes involving those lovable mutts. Here’s a hilarious collection of jokes about dogs for you to share with your fellow pooch-lovers.
Dog Jokes for Adults
- Where do dogs hate to shop?
Flea markets. - What did the dog’s mom tell him when he wanted a snack before dinner?
Now, don’t go filling up on homework! - How does a dog find his place in a book?
He dog-ears the pages. - What’s a smutt?
A dog that tells dirty jokes. - What do you call a dog from up north that’s always pregnant?
An Alaskan Hussy. - Did you know you need a license for a dog, but not for a cat?
Yeah, because cat’s can’t drive. - What’s worse in the city than raining cats & dogs?
Hailing taxis. - In which state did Arnold Schwarzenegger get his first dog?
Colliefornia - Why are dogs good at baseball?
Because they always get walked. - Do dogs like the Lord of the Rings Movies?
Nah, they prefer Harry Pawter. - Why did the man take his dog to a watch repair shop?
It had ticks!
Jokes about Dogs for Kids
- What kind of dog can tell time?
A watch dog! - What type of dog is always cold?
A chilli dog! - Which dog loves taking a bath most?
A shampoodle! - Which type of dog would a vampire have?
A bloodhound! - Which dogs can jump higher than a house?
All dogs! Houses can’t jump. - If a dog gets super cold, what do you call it?
A pupscicle! - How do you get your dog to stop barking in the back seat of your car on a long drive?
Move him up front. - Why did the man make his dog waffles?
Because dogs can’t cook! - What kind of dog only chases red things?
- A bull-dog!
- What has 2,000 eyes and 4,000 legs?
A thousand dogs! - What’s another name for an old dog?
Grandpaw.
One Liner Dog Jokes
- A little kid sees a police K9 car, points to the dog in the back, and asks the officer…”what did he do wrong?”
- If dogs could read their favorite type of word would be a conjunction…because they love butts.
- An old woman asked her husband why he taped a calculator to their dog and he replied, “I wanted a best friend I could count on.”
- I threw a football and my dog caught it in mid-air…he’s a golden receiver.
- My dog is as lazy as a vegetable…he’s a collie-flower.
- Sally has a dog with no legs and no name, when asked why she didn’t give it a name she said, “Why bother? It won’t come when I call it anyway.”
- My dog is the best, he goes outside and brings in the newspaper every morning…problem is, I don’t have a subscription.
- Two city fleas were sitting in the park and wanted to head uptown, one turned to the other and said, “should we walk, or just catch a dog?”
- The teacher’s dog started chewing on her dictionary, so she tool the words right out of his mouth.
- A man without a lot of money saw his dog chasing his tail and said, “you’re right boy, we should just try to make ends meet.”
- It was time to feed the dog and my husband asked, “have you seen the dog bowl?” I replied, “No. What’s his average?”
- I got myself a new watch dog. His name is Rolex.
- My dog can talk…every time she licks a tree she says, “ruff bark.”
- One athletic dog asked another, “do you want to play some football?” The other dog replied, “No thanks, I’m a boxer.”
Knock Knock Dog Jokes
Bad Dog Jokes
- Do you know why dogs are such bad dancers?
They have two left feet, of course! - How is a tree different than a dog?
The tree’s bark isn’t as loud. - What’s the name of the all-dog Beatles Tribute band from Australia?
Dingo Starr. - Dachshunds always prefer to sit in the shade, do you know why?
Because they’re hot dogs! - Why did the cop give the pregnant dog a ticket?
She was littering. - What did the dog say when the carpenter dropped her sandpaper?
“That’s ruff.” - Why did the injured dog go to the mall when he lost his tail?
He needed to visit a re-tail store. - What happened every time Sean Connery told his dog to sit?
It pooped on command.
Dog puns
- What do dogs and cell phones have in common?
They both have collar ID. - What do you call a herding dog holding a daisy?
A collie-flower. - Why did the big dog lay right next to the speaker?
Because he wanted to be a woofer. - Did you hear about the hungry scientist that tried to cross a dog and a chicken?
He wanted to get a pooched egg. - What does a dog do when it needs to take a quick break from the TV?
He hits the paws button on the remote. - Why are all dog owners optimistic?
When you have a dog, anything is pawsible. - Why do racing greyhounds look a little funny?
Because they’re always having a bad hare day. - What did the dog say when asked, “how’s life?”
Ruff. - What do you call a dog that wants to design his own dog house?
A barkitect. - What does a dog get when it graduates obedience school?
A pet-degree.